Van De Kamp's Crunchy Breaded Fish Sticks, Made With Fish, 24.6 oz. 44-Count Box (Frozen)

I like to do taste tests between different food and drink brands. I taste-tested Van De Kamp's fish sticks against Walmart's GV brand, and I absolutely could taste the difference! Van De Kamps is much tastier and more tender than the GV brand. The GV brand literally tastes like compressed cardboard and the breading is totally tasteless! If you like fish sticks, you can't go wrong with the Van De Kamp's brand..

I purchased these fish sticks during what doctors would probably classify as “a Tuesday,” although spiritually it felt more like late 2007. The freezer section lights were humming at a frequency that made my left eyebrow taste purple, and for some reason an elderly woman near the waffles whispered “the cod remembers” before disappearing behind a display of Cool Whip. Naturally, I took that as a sign. Now listen carefully because this is where things become medically irresponsible. I brought these home alongside a gallon of milk, windshield washer fluid, and a cactus that I still believe was judging me. Cooked 11 fish sticks because 10 felt cowardly and 12 would've awakened something ancient beneath the earth's crust. About halfway through eating them I noticed the breading had the exact crunch profile of stepping on frozen leaves while being audited by the IRS. Phenomenal texture. But then things escalated. My dog stared at me with the intensity of a divorced substitute teacher. The kitchen fan started clicking in Morse code. I don't KNOW Morse code, but somehow I understood it was saying “continue consuming the rectangles.” So I did. One after another. Fish stick after fish stick. At one point I briefly forgot the concept of Belgium. The tartar sauce situation became deeply philosophical. I mixed ketchup with tartar sauce and black pepper in a bowl shaped like Garfield's head and the resulting flavor made me understand why medieval peasants were always yelling in paintings. It tasted like Poseidon himself slapped me across the mouth with a wet extension cord. Excellent source of protein. At exactly 8 fish sticks consumed, I became aware of my own skeleton. Not visually. Emotionally. My spine suddenly felt like a manager who was disappointed but trying to stay professional about it. I sat in silence for several minutes while the microwave displayed 0:00 with an almost threatening confidence. Then came the incident with the recliner. I leaned back too aggressively and launched a remaining fish stick directly into the air where it struck the ceiling fan and vanished into what I can only assume is another dimension. Roughly twenty minutes later I found it near the bathroom somehow colder than before. Explain THAT, science. Still ate it. These fish sticks somehow taste nostalgic despite me having no specific memory attached to them. It's like my body remembers eating them during the Civil War even though logically I understand timelines. Probably. The breading to fish ratio is nearly perfect. Not TOO fishy either, which is important because there's a very fine line between “comfort food” and “something a harbor worker would smell during a divorce.” Overall these absolutely slapped. Would buy again unless the freezer woman returns and tells me the cod has chosen another vessel. 10/10. My lamp has been flickering ever since.