Loss: A Collection of Thoughts from a Surviving Spouse, (Paperback)

"Loss: A Collection of Thoughts from a Surviving Spouse" isn't prescriptive. It doesn't tell what to do and how to do it. It's not a self-help recovery guide. It's not a survival kit. It isn't inspirational. It doesn't ask to accept fate or faith. It doesn't advise prayer or meditation. It doesn't invoke the supernatural or suggest a reunion in an afterlife. It isn't academic. It doesn't reach back to classical philosophies or consider present-day thinkers. It doesn't draw on psychological insights. It isn't professorial. So if that's what it isn't, then what is it? I will answer that in a moment but first let me tell you why the distinction is important.

When my wife passed away in 2009 many well-intentioned friends provided me with magazine articles and books on how to deal with my grief. After perusing these and even more on the Web, I quickly realized that they all missed the mark. I didn't know what I was looking for but I did know it was not in any of those books or articles. With the advantage of hindsight I now know what I wanted. I was looking for someone who would fully understand what I was going through. I wanted nothing more, nothing less. Don't assure me that I will survive the fall. Don't tell me how to swim when I hit the water. Don't tell me that these things happen for a reason and that it's for the better. Back up to where I am right now. I've just been pushed off a cliff, my body is tumbling, my head is spinning and my heart is gushing. Let me know that you know where I am and what I am feeling. Let me know that you know. That's what this book does. It lets the reader know that the writer knows. It does this through expressive writing that connects directly to what the reader feels in their own lives, with their own losses. The reader knows quickly and with certainty that this understanding is genuine. It reaches to the same depths as they are experiencing now, in their own lives. Emotions stream from the heart of the writer to the heart of the reader. They instinctively know that, finally, someone understands.

Each one of these short, independent writings expresses thoughts or feelings from a particular moment in my life after or shortly before my wife died. Some are a few pages long and some are a few sentences. Some relate past experiences and some are mind wanderings. Some are analytical and some are even humorous. Most are packed with emotion. The book is loaded with unanswered questions - just like I am - just like most people are. Loss of a loved one is a fact of life. It touches virtually everyone. There are countless others like me who are not comforted by the cacophony of authoritative assurances. What many people need are words of empathy - nothing more, nothing less. That's what this book offers.

I hope that when you read this book you will temporarily look away from your current grief and see me in a sidecar traveling the same path. Pause and take a deep breath. After many days and many breaths, maybe you will gaze forward more often and downward less often. When that happens you will already be in the healing process. This is my hope.

Joe Goldbacher