The Teddy Bear Conspiracies, (Paperback)

The Roswell crash experts are all wrong. It wasn't a weather balloon as the government claims. It wasn't little green men either. The pilots that crashed in the remote New Mexico desert in July 1947 were four teddy bears. Or more precisely, they were four aliens that look like teddy bears.

Nonsense, you say? Well consider the proof contained within the pages of this whimsical sci-fi spoof ripped from the headlines in the supermarket tabloids. This story pokes fun at just about every alien conspiracy theory ever foisted upon human beings.

This work has been described as "Winnie the Pooh meets the X-Files." It documents a terrifying, compelling saga of a war raging for more than half a century right here on Earth between two alien races.

The Orisha

The Orisha come from a planet orbiting the constellation Ursa Major, a.k.a. the Great Bear (where else?). They look like 18-inch teddy bears and freeze stiff into a state of suspended hibernation when humans approach. Therefore, that teddy bear on the shelf in your house could actually be one of the Orishans. The Orishans are beary loving beings. They don't even have weapons that can kill. They carry Attitude-Adjuster-Sleeper-Blasters that put the enemy to sleep. The enemy wakes up the next day with a much nicer attitude.

The Arjogun

The Arjogun, by contrast to the Orisha, are just the opposite. They are what humans refer to as the "alien grays," and favor logic over emotion. However, they have plenty of emotions, especially hatred for the Orisha. The Arjogun have been trying to destroy the planet Orisha for centuries, but can't get past a barrier of powerful love the Orishan Wizards have placed around their home planet. Earth, on the other hand, has no such protection. The Arjogun are afraid of the humans, fearing their nuclear weapons will be used on alien races once the humans figure out how to travel across the vastness of outer space. The Arjogun decide to perform a pre-emptive strike on Earth: make a deal with the humans by trading weather control technology before the humans destroy the Arjogun.

The Crew

In "The Teddy Bear Conspiracies," four Orishans crash on Earth near Roswell, New Mexico in July 1947. The ship contains a "Hug" of Orishans, or squad, led by Captain Schaumburg Harmony. Schaumburg is the only member of the Orishan High Command Space Fleet who has not earned his License To Hug, a coveted honor denoting that the operative has the right to infiltrate other societies and spy for the Orishan High Command. On his last mission, Schaumburg ordered his crew to save the life of an Arjogun agent. That order resulted in Schaumburg failing to carry out his assigned mission, therefore he did not earn the License To Hug.

Schaumburg's crew includes his wife, Millennium "Leni" Harmony, a powerful Wizard in the Mystical Order of the Golden Paw. Leni has recently completed her studies in Wizardry and has not yet earned her Wizard's wand.

Next is Schaumburg's second-in-command, Commander Louis LaHug, a feisty Orishan who wears a pirate hook on one paw "just to look cool." Louis is also the "procurement officer" for Schaumburg's Hug. In other words, he steals needed stuff while the Hug is in the field.

The final crewmember is the ship's counselor and medical officer, Chocolate Harmony. Chocolate traveled to Earth with her big brother Schaumburg on her first deep-space mission for the Orishan H