Dr. Praeger’s California Veggie Burgers, 10 oz (283g)

It's my fifth winter manning the North Dakota Penitentiary for Supernatural Creatures. We're supposed to be super-secret, but I figure it's North Dakota and you're probably not going to be coming through here because we're not on the way to anywhere and . . . it's North Dakota, so why bother? Werewolves? We have three of them locked up here. We've got a tank for The Blob, and we let our Vampires slumber in their basement coffins. We have a special reinforced room for the Frankenstein monster, and we do let the Zombies stumble around the courtyard, but the thing about Zombies is they're as dumb as a full bag of limestone gravel and even if we left the door open they wouldn't find it. The truth is, the work here is boring. I slide bags of O negative in the slot for the Vampire lair, and the werewolves sit and watch daytime tv until the next full moon. If you keep batteries in the remote, they're happy. We've got the Chupacabra eating vegan goat “meat” now, and he mostly sits and stares out the window. Most of the time I look out the window, too, on the barren North Dakota landscape, and when I say barren I mean more bare than a volleyball game at the Bismark Naturism Society. We put in a weekly Wal-Mart order, and last week I added Dr. Praeger's California Veggie Burgers. I thought we'd end up feeding them to Craig the Chupacabra, but I caught a smell of them on the staff lunch room griddle, and I thought I was back at the Supernatural Creature Worker Retreat in Malibu. The first bite of the perfect blend of vegetables in the burger made me wonder if there was some healthy happy life in Santa Barbara where I drink chia smoothies with Prince William and Kathy Ireland. By the third bite I swear I could hear the Beach Boys singing, “Wouldn't it be nice . . .” Yeah, it would be nice to eat one of Dr. Praeger's California Veggie Burgers with an oaky Chardonnay while I watch the waves roll in at Pismo Beach. It's February now, and the thermometer got stuck at - 20. Brad the Mummy came by. We let walk around the place because he's well fed and where is he going to run to in February in North Dakota? He said I looked tan and asked if I'd been traveling. I nodded to my Dr. Praeger's California Veggie Burger and said I'd been spending a little time in the Golden State every time I take a bite out of one of these.

It only contains 4, but it's the best veggie burger I've tried. It doesn't have a weird crumby texture. It tastes similar to the impossible burger from Burger King but less meaty. Much more rich flavors too.