There was a time in my life when I had no friends, no one to love me, no one to care for me. I was alone. And as much as I tried to deny it, I knew exactly why. I was dirty "down there" and it was all due to the inferior toilet paper I had purchased.
My posterior was a swamp land of disgusting infestation, the likes of which had never been seen before. I was lost, broken, afraid and worst of all, unclean. I thought my life was over. And yet, as I lay in a my stained undergarments of shame, the brown clouds of sorrow parted and Thor arrived on his mighty chariot and handed me a bejeweled box.
"Heed my words," he said "for no longer must thou suffer!"
And with that, he opened the box and once my eyes adjusted to the blinding light, I saw a fresh pack of Charmin Freshmates. Oh how I rejoiced! Oh how I did sing the song of the Charmin Angels!
Soon I was clean from head to toe and now I'm a billionaire astronaut football player. I'm cleaner than I have ever been and I owe it all to Charmin.